Like "Parenting" or "No beer before noon." But like the first poo-poo in the potty or brew 'n pancakes, it's sometimes just what you needed and quite fun. Fatherhood will drive you insane. The sooner you accept it and roll with the punches, the sooner the nausea will subside. And we're here to help. Ask us a question and we'll give you two answers, one from a guy and one from a gal. You're bound to like one of them. At least that's the idea...
Good Cop/Bad Cop
Dec 11, 2008 Anonymous asks:
My wife and I have developed what many would consider an unhealthy pattern
of "Good Cop, Bad Cop" parenting our 3 "tweenage" kids. I (the Good Cop)
tend to be a bit more permissive with the kids in general, for example:
- Bedtime: I'm inclined to let this be a bit 'fuzzy", allowing for natural
variances in the kids' energy level, letting them read a bit in bed, etc. As
long as they get 8 hrs, and get to sleep in on Saturday AM, I'm cool. My
wife believes in strict bedtime.
- Food: in general I try to feed them wholesome, organic meals & do the
lion's share of the shopping, cooking & cleaning, but I'm inclined to let
them have a few gummy bears with artificial color once in a while, or the
occasional cookie with partially hydrogenated oil, because sometimes the
distance to the nearest Whole Foods is just too great.
- Media: my kids absolutely LOVE iCarly, Suite Life of Zack & Cody, 6Teen,
and Total Drama Island. Can't get enough of 'em. All of these shows I think
are actually pretty darn funny, fairly clever, and just on the OK side of
age appropriate. Yes, I'll admit, there's some pre-teen sexual content, but
nothing our kids can't handle, and obviously nothing the FCC wouldn't allow
on cable. Sometimes there's even a healthy moral buried in there. I think
the joy they get from these shows is worth a little exposure to human
sexuality a la Disney/Nick. My wife, of course, feels these shows were
created by Satan himself, and that viewing them will lead directly to
teenage pregnancy and drug addiction.
Since I am incapable of policing these issues to meet my wife's standards,
we've more or less developed two sets of rules, depending on which parent is
in charge. When my wife is out of town, we go by "Dad rules", and
vice-versa.
My question is, how harmful is this "good cop, bad cop" style of parenting
really?? Life is complicated, there are different rules in different
situations, and maybe this will help our kids be more flexible and
adaptable. Your thoughts?
Mr Lady:
You know what? THANKS FOR THIS. I am going to piss off every single woman who reads this blog, and probably lose all my readers, and I'd hunt you down and smack you if you weren't cloaked in anonymity.
Good Cop, Bad Cop? Totally fine. Some things in life, I'd say go with the missus if it keeps everyone happy, but it sounds like you and the missus are totally different parents. And that's okay. What's important is that everyone agrees to the terms laid out here, that there is mom's way and dad's way, and that neither mom or dad are undermining each other in front of the kids. If they see that you two are at odds about the rules, pretty soon there will be NO rules. They'll see to that. Lord of the Flies did NOT end happily.
My parents were divorced when I was 6. My mom was a fundamentalist cult member, my father was in a rock & roll band. Talk about different parenting styles. My dad lived 1 block away from us, so he was pretty involved in our daily life. And we had to learn and adhere to two totally different sets of rules, of philosophies on life in general, and we did. We did it just fine. When we were with my mom, we had to pray 8 million times a day and couldn't wear blue jeans and had to chop the tv into tiny bits with butterknives because Satan had possessed it. (I am SO not kidding there; wish I was.) At my dad's, we weren't allowed to pray, AT ALL, we couldn't go to church even though his visitation fell over church time (we went to church 4 nights a week. CRAZY, I tell you.) We watched R rated films all day, every day. We ate 30 bags of Twizzlers a day, drank gallons of soda, and occasionally, we ever swore.
What made that work was that my parents did not at all interfere in how the other one ran the show. Mom's rules were her rules, and he respected that and worked with it. Dad's rules were dad's rules, and she never once asked what we did with him. They never undermined each other. And as long as we knew there was no turning one against the other, it worked.
Now, you two are married, so it will be harder. My advice: stick to your guns. You sound like you're raising them just fine, and realistically. They'll learn important things from both of your parenting styles. Support your wife's decisions, respect them, but don't give up your role in raising your kids, either. And if she breaks out the butterknives, CALL ME.
BusyDad:
Good Cop here. Except in my household Good is pronounced “you just let him” and Cop is pronounced “walk all over you.”
This pronunciation issue has been somewhat of a thorn in the side of our relationship. My wife is totally like yours. For example, our son’s bedtime is 8:30. And by 8:25, you can feel the storm approaching. The horses over at Santa Anita Racetrack start wigging out. I read a little faster, fireman-carry my kid to the bathroom to shave a couple seconds off his pre-bedtime pee, midget toss him into bed from the doorway. All in an effort to beat the buzzer.
But here’s the problem. When she’s not home, the dynamic changes. 8:30ish is fine with me. My philosophy in life has always been “eh, it won’t kill me/him/her/it.” And of course it rubs off on my parenting tactics. But this is bad. It communicates a double standard. But worse than that, it creates a battle of philosophies between my wife and me.
We both recognize that. Of course the real answer is compromise. We’re both right in a sense. Structure IS good for the kid. I totally believe that on paper. But I also believe that leeway is an essential concept to embrace (after all, when do things ever go as planned in your adult life?). Coming from opposite ends of the spectrum, it is damn hard to draft a set of routines that satisfy both of us. We’ll end up with some hybrid crap that neither of us will stick to. So what we have evolved is a time-based solution. By evolved I mean we never sat down and decided this – it pretty much just happened over the past 6 years. On weekdays, we do it mostly her way. No dilly-dallying. Stick to the schedule. No TV, no computer, 20 minutes on the dinner clock, 7 minutes on the morning routine clock, spit shine, white gloves. I’m ok with this. Because in his adult life, his weekdays will benefit greatly from his ability to do this, especially if he wants to do well in school and make gobs of money have a successful career.
But weekends? You’ve earned it, kid. Do whatever the hell you want. If you want to spend 6 hours finishing your Spiderman Friend or Foe game, so be it. Hand-eye coordination is a valuable skill anyway. Catch up on all the shows you DVR’d on the weekdays? Be my guest. Want some cookies while you’re at it? No problem son, throw in this Snickers bar too. Dave and Buster’s for dinner and play Ghost Squad with dad until they open the rooftop bar and start carding people at the door? Lock 'em and load 'em, boy!
But come Sunday night, we shut down the computer, clean up the toys, floss and brush and it lights out by 8:30.
Work hard, play hard. Nothing wrong with that. And both parents are happy.
Naked Crapping
Oct 21, 2008 Manager Mom asks:
How do I convince my five year old son that taking a crap does NOT require the removal of all of his clothing, including socks? Bonus points for helping me get him to spritz some post-poop Glade Air Freshener spray.
Mr Lady:
All the best bodily functions happen in the buff. Just sayin'.
Does he attend public school? Yeah, that'll take care of it for you. That, or he'll learn the joy that is the Home Poop Advantage. Either way, let it roll, baby.
Just to make you feel better: My husband poops naked, too. My daughter, in order to poop, has to have me sitting on the floor right in front of the potty, yes, downwind, and I have to completely cover her eyes with my hand. My eight year old still has to pull his pants all the way down to his ankles to pee. Even at urinals. My ten year old uses a half roll of toilet paper to wipe, every time.
People are freaks. Poop hilarious. Need proof? Keep reading.....
BusyDad:
I take this blog dead serious. I recognize the great responsibility that I bear as a giver of advice. Advice that may impact relationships between spouses, philosophies toward discipline, bonding between parent and child. So I pooped naked. And it was good.
See, to understand the how, it is often useful to delve into the why. So what exactly is the appeal of pooping naked vs fully clothed? Freedom. Feeling unfettered. A complete shedding of the weight of the world, from the outside to the inside. That child has achieved Zen. And really, when you don't have to worry about your shirttail, you know, getting caught up in the cleanup, the entire pooping process is much more enjoyable.
My advice is this: let Jr. do his Dalai Lama thing. He won't be doing it forever. It's just too much of a hassle to re-tie your necktie every time you go #2. He'll become more practical as time goes by. Not to worry. And remember, Seinfeld is fictional if you happen to be thinking of that episode.
I'd like to offer you a little perspective as well (nothing like a good "well at least he doesn't do THAT" to make your problems seem smaller). My kid pees sitting down. He'll stand when necessary, like in a urinal and such, but when given the choice, he'll always pee sitting down. One would also think that this is something kids outgrow, but it's not so. My ex girlfriend had a boyfriend who still peed sitting down. And he was close to 30 years old. Feel better?
As for the spray, I find it hard to believe that a 5 year old boy would not shoot another hole in the ozone, given the opportunity. Isn't that what they live for? Candy, Legos, Ben 10 and anything that shoots out of anything else? In that order. Put the can in his hand and say "have at it, son." There's NO WAY he won't freshen your entire house in under 3 minutes. I'm willing to bet money on that.
To FWB, or not to FWB...
Oct 3, 2008 Anon asks [edited for length]:
I've been married 14 years and I still think my wife is attractive. But she doesn't: she hates the stretch marks, the belly fat, the size of her waist...I believe she has no sex drive; she thinks sex is the only aspect of our relationship that I continue to cultivate. She is definitely depressed, and has been taking anti-depressants for years. They aren't working, from my perspective.
She thinks oral sex is dirty (giving or receiving). Bottom line: I haven't had a blowjob in 18 years. Eighteen years is a very long time, especially if you really like bj's...
Bottom line: we have had intercourse twice in the past six months...I'm tired of flying solo... I have resorted to flirting with Baristas when I buy my morning coffee: that's the provocative high water mark of the day.
Should I just throw up my hands and admit defeat? I am tempted to find a FWB and just tolerate the status quo for the sake of our four year old son.
Any thoughts?
BusyDad:
First, let me apologize on behalf of both the Stark Raving Dads. We love this site. It has not crashed and burned. I believe that the fundamentals of this blog are strong. We just put the writing of this blog on hold because we were helping to draft a bail out plan…
[Cue the Back in Black or Momma Said Knock You Out, depending on which genre of pump music you prefer]
*Puts on advice hat, cracks knuckles, sprays keyboard with Dust-Off XL*
Mark this date on your calendar. This is what they call the Tipping Point. The day BusyDad lost a whole hell of a lot of readers. I like the funny. I prefer the funny. Almost always. But I have strong opinions sometimes and this subject is one of them. Some of you will rally with me. Most of you will be disgusted. But I’m taking a stand. An understandably unpopular one – especially in the family/parenting blog arena. So be it.
Sex is the cornerstone of every more-than-friends relationship. Without it, you might as well draft up your Articles of Incorporation and run your household as an LLC. At least you can deduct your Staples receipts. Your situation, my friend, is dire. I don’t care if your wife feels unattractive. YOU think she’s attractive and that should be enough for her to say “you know what? This is my husband, not a Top Model judge. This is part of my job.” YES, I said job. And if the roles were reversed, I’d say was your job to suck up your insecurities and do your duty too. Sex is not a male vs female thing. The provision of sex is the responsibility of BOTH parties to each other. As much as feeding and clothing that 4-year old.
That being said, it is also wrong to straight up tell her “it is your job as my spouse to have sex with me.” That doesn’t go over well. Don’t test it. Please. I said that as the basis for what I am going to say further below. The diplomatic way to do this is to show her that you think she is attractive. Be horny around her. Simple as that. Stare at her a little longer when she’s changing. Playfully tease her. Little actions. If it really is her self-image, these things may help.
If that doesn’t work, then be up front. But tactfully. One day while you are just watching TV in the living room (don’t do this in bed because then she will think you are just throwing out words to make it happen), tell her straight up. Tell her you are a human being, and human beings need sex. In order to keep you happy with the fact that you are going to be her partner for the rest of your life, this need must be met. And then ask her – “Tell me what I need to do to make this happen?” If she cares for you at all, she will give you a real answer. Who knows, it could be something that YOU are not doing for her, and you have mistaken it as a self-image thing all this time. Bottom line, you need to address this thing head on. No mincing words. This is as important as if you lost your job. You need to do something about it NOW.
What if you do all of the above and nothing changes? Here is where 90% of people would say “but if this doesn’t work, remember, you guys took a vow for better or worse, so accept it and move on. Find a hobby.” Here’s where I will veer off Main St. and traverse the Highway to Hell. I say FUCK THAT. You live only once. I’ll be damned if you live that life for someone else (who is not your child). In 30-40 years, you will be dead. Gone. If your wife doesn’t care enough about a simple little thing that will impact your happiness so much, then you find someone who will. You have done your due diligence. Whether you take the high road (I would recommend this) and seek a divorce, or take the low road (not recommended for logistical and counts-against-you-in-court reasons) and find an FWB or seek “professional assistance,” you will be a happier, more complete person. I truly believe that as a happier person, you will become a better parent as well. Misery and frustration permeates everything you do, and it WILL trickle down to your child. I applaud you for putting your child before yourself, as I do in absolutely every decision I make, but I’m arguing that doing this would in the long run be a good thing for your child. A parent who is happy and at peace is always a better parent.
As far as the oral thing? One step at a time buddy. Even the lotto is paid in yearly increments.
Thank you… thank you… hank you… ank you… you … ou
Where’d everybody go?
Mr Lady
First, I'm going with the blowjob part. Tough shit for you,
brother. I really really love Twizzlers more than I love coffee or
chocolate or tiramisu, and I'm deathly allergic to red food coloring,
so I haven't had one in as long as you haven't had a hummer. You deal.
As for the sex, (and this is where Jim AND I lose readers) tough shit for her, brother. She signed a contract. Part of that contract is the ol' in-out in-out.
I am aware how shitty that sounds, and that I am breaking girl-code on this one, but I've been on your end of this deal, and I can say from experience that it is the shittiest, most damaging thing a spouse can do. It fucks with your head. Quite frankly, it pisses me off.
I would say that the very first thing you need to
do is help her get to the root of the issue. Either you're right and
she has poor body image, or she's got some serious depression, or she
doesn't trust you, or there's something deeper. Either way, I'm
betting there isn't much you can do to help. She needs to speak TO A
DOCTOR. Without you. But I'll come back to that.
The very next thing you do is get the girl some clothes that fit. She will fight you on this one. If you're in the position, get someone who cares about her (mom, best friend, etc) to go to Macy's with your credit card and buy the girl a WARDROBE. Nothing, nothing is harder for a girl with bad self image than spending a bunch of money on clothes, and nothing, nothing will make her feel better in the end than looking good the way she is now. She cannot wear size 10 clothes anymore. They need to go to goodwill while she's at the mall. If you're not in the position, then go to Target once a week and get her a new outfit in the right size. Save the outfits in a closet until you've got a wardrobe, and while she's out at Starbucks, burn the old one.
The very next thing you do is be honest. Be sort of brutally honest. She is asking you to go without something human beings need. Just look at how well celibacy worked out for the Catholic Priesthood. It's not a want, it's not a bargaining chip; it's a bodily function. If she doesn't like that, well, she created this situation. She needs to deal with the repercussions.
Here's where we get back to the doctor thing: You need to sit her down and tell her flat out what the deal is. My personal talk went a little like this...
You are killing me slowly. I cannot handle this anymore. I am a human, I am a sexual being, and you are being cruel. You are making me question my own sanity. I have tried everything I can think of to make this work and it's not working. You do not control my sex life, you are merely a part of it. I am taking this back. Something is wrong with you, and I won't make excuses for it anymore. I won't try to figure out what I did wrong anymore. You have X amount of time to go talk to a doctor and figure out what is wrong, and find a way to fix it, or I'm out. We cannot survive this. I love you and I want to be WITH YOU, but you are not playing fair. I'm giving you back the responsibility here.
That talk came after my 15th month sans coitus. I was ready to jump my 80 year old landlord that didn't speak English. It worked, and I think it worked because I stopped pussy footing around. Sex is such a taboo subject in families; you can't talk about it with your kids, you can't discuss issues with your spouse, and I think that's ridiculous. If it was a stuffed up nose, or an intestinal issue, this wouldn't be happening. You've got to bring it out in the open.
And dude, if she won't try to help the situation, I'd really suggest getting the hell out. Cheating is low and sleazy and you're above that. But withholding sex, in this girl's opinion, is mental abuse. Don't take it sitting down.
(Also, anti-depressants...there are anti-depressants for woman that incredibly boost the sex drive. Wellbutrin is one. Look into it.)The WTF? Crush
Aug 18, 2008 At what point in the tenure of fatherhood does a dad shift from crushes on Head Cheerleader to The Girl Next Door?
I've been trying to figure out why Mr. Outdoors has saved photos of Anne Hathaway on the desktop of our computer. Not just one. Several photos. Since I know BusyDad covets similarly down-to-earth Jenna Fischer, I figure he probably has an inside track on the new crush going on in the Y chromosome half of my relationship.
What do I need to know here? The last I checked, the crushing was going on in Charlize Theron's world. Which I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND (I have a GirlCrush on her).
Now that I've had my hair cut and colored to match Charlize (subtle hints were given over the years -- least subtle being the page from People magazine of her on a red carpet that was tucked into my purse as I headed to the salon), do I now need to think dark and mousy? With contacts to make my eyes brown? And maxillofacial surgery so my smile goes literally ear to ear?BusyDad:
I have written and re-written my answer 3 times already. This is my fourth attempt.
It would be easy to sit back at this point and say I really don't know why (as my failed attempts easily prove), but there is a reason. A really simple one that I cannot articulate. Time to pour me a little "writing juice," let it settle in and come back.
OK, I'm back. Let's try this one more time. I don't know your hubby, but I know how I think, and I have a feeling it isn't much different from him or other family guys. When you become a dad, you simply become more realistic. I think it's nature's way of buffering you from the blows that otherwise might emotionally derail you. Things like you will never get that Harley, you will never be a 32 waist again and you will never, ever fight in the UFC. That also means you could never turn the head of a Victoria's Secret model. Even if someone could get your Dockers-wearing dad ass into that premier party. Once reality sinks in, you admire the typical hot celebrities from afar, like you would a masterpiece hanging in the Louvre. But you covet the girl-next-door ones like you would that framed Al Pacino Scarface "pencil sketch" that dude at the mall sells out of his art kiosk.
Jenna Fischer reminds me of the little bit shy, doesn't realize she's hot girl whom I might find at the reception desk at my office (yeah, I know because she plays one! duh). To me, that would be attainable in my world (my alternate universe world). That bit of attainability is what gives her that extra something that guys grounded in reality would gravitate towards. Anne Hathaway has that look too, like someone whom you might find sitting in the cubicle next to you tomorrow. Someone who would compliment you on your comfort shoes from The Walking Company. Someone who would find your clip-on Blackberry case cool. She's not intimidating. Like you could totally go to Subway with her during lunch break. But wow, at the office holiday party in that dress and make-up you couldn’t stop staring (in Anne’s case, that secret agent bodysuit).
Scarlett Johansson? Never. Too hot for the cubicle. And that is why she resides in my ever-growing sour grapes pile.
Mr Lady:
Because real women are hot.
My husband will tell you, will scream from the rafters, that I am hotter today than the day I met him. The day I met him I had a size 0 waist, a D-cup rack, and weighed under 100 pounds. Today, I am within 7 pounds of his weight, have a size 10 8 waist, and facial hair. I think he's insane. He thinks I'm real.
Of course, when I just now called that motherf%@#er and asked him who the most crushable celebrity was, he said Angelina Jolie. I said, "Really?" and he said, "Fine. Avril Lavigne." So, screw him. He's totally ruined my point.
My point is that maybe, just maybe, your husband has grown up (unlike some of our spouses) and has realized that the skinny, blond, hot cock garage doesn't equal children and fulfillment and dinner and free ironing. And free ironing is way hot.
Or maybe he's just trying to throw you off the scent. Who knows? Either way, it gives you a good excuse to spend an assload of money on highlights, and that makes it all worth it.
Someone's Got His Diaper in a Knot
Aug 6, 2008 The other night my husband virtually arm wrestled our 19 month old son into a reclining position to perform the nightly diaper change. It was an ugly scene of crying baby, colorful diaper and testy father. With all the leg kicking and butt rolling, the colorful contents were being moved around…kind of like finger paint on a white canvas. Ick. When I asked my dear one why he just didn't change our son standing up (which is something I do easily and which makes child and I happy), he replied "because I am the daddy ~ that's why" and he promptly growled in frustration as the wiggling continued.
When all was said and done and our son was asleep, I asked my man about his obsession with having diaper changes done in the laying-down-on-the-changing-table position when it can be easily, happily addressed with a standing up position and we don’t have to worry about the changing pad needing to be replaced due to the wrestling match of the decade being played out on it….He said that “this is the way daddy’s change diapers and my son has to learn to listen to me.”
Now this statement is coming from the World’s Most Laid Back Dad Ever! He routinely fails to follow basic parenting nonsense about schedules, etc and probably feeds kiddo junk food when I am traveling for work. I picture them just hanging out watching TV and eating Wendy’s kids’ meals.
So what’s with this man’s diaper position obsession?BusyDad:
When your baby is struggling on that changing table and making complainy noises, it sounds like this to the untrained human ear: “waaahh waaah gaaaaa waaa.”
To a new dad, it sounds like this: “Screw this dad! You suck! I wanna stand up, dammit. And by the way, in 17 years after you explicitly tell me not to, I will steal your car and go to the Jonas Brothers reunion concert with Mindy and her cheerleader friends.”
And in baby-ese, that smile and coo after being stood up translates directly to: “Chump.”
No man is ok with being a chump -- especially to the newest member of the wolf pack. As long as it is on dad’s terms, daddy and baby will seem perfectly content doing the “lazy parenting” thing. Let’s just say I agree 100% with what Mr Lady says below, so there’s no point in repeating it here less eloquently.
But here’s a good illustration of this concept in practice: Fury (my kid) gets a Happy Meal on most weekends whenever he asks. But the second I feed him something and he complains and demands a Happy Meal? No deal. He’s getting extra spinach. As long as I don’t feel as if I am giving in, I spoil my kid rotten. I think he has since learned to play that card, but I’m a sucker for it anyway. I like to feel like the big dog, even if it’s just lip service. Not just in relation to fatherhood, but in my marriage, at work, in my social circles… I’m sure many men are the same way. It’s our Achilles heel.
Mr Lady:
And that is my answer to your question. Your husband wants your son to Respect His Authoritie. (please add the appropriate Cartman enunciation. Thanks) This is a very GOOD thing. He's trying to teach your son at an early age that dad means business. You want this.
We never took any sort of shit from our first two kids. We were young, we had an idea in our head of how things should go, and we were Enforcers. We never negotiated with our kids, we had no problem saying no, they ate whatever we fed them and the LIKED it, they lived on a very tight schedule, we didn't give them options. Like, ever. They are very well behaved kids now; almost too much, honestly.
We worried that we were too hard on them. We fretted that we'd ruined them forever. And so, when the baby came along a long time later, we totally relaxed with her. If she didn't want to eat something, she didn't eat it. She went to bed when she was ready. If she had to have a tantrum, we chuckled and moved on. It's not like we haven't seen bigger and better tantrums, you know? If she didn't want her hair washed, we skipped it. If she didn't want to sit down for a diaper change, we just worked around it.
This kid is the most self-absorbed, spoiled, downright bitchy child you'll ever meet. I say that with a very thick slice of love. She screams, she hits, she throws, she plays little mind games. We just never really drew a permanent line in the sand, and kids can smell that shit a mile away.
Having two big brothers is quickly humbling her a bit, but honestly, we screwed up. Badly. And we're paying for it now, in a big way. The worst part is that we HAVE to undo this, or the poor girl is never going to make it in school. Undoing this in a three year old is about as productive as talking to a toilet.
Those things you mentioned, "He routinely fails to follow basic parenting nonsense about schedules, etc and probably feeds kiddo junk food when I am traveling for work. I picture them just hanging out watching TV and eating Wendy’s kids’ meals" ? None of those things have anything to do with authority. That's just a dad enjoying his time with his kid. But when he says that it's time for a diaper change, he wants your son to know he means it. It's the fine line between being your kid's friend and being their parent. It's a hard line to walk, but it sounds like your husband is figuring that out just fine.
