ZoeyJane asks:

Background: My kiddo's dad and I separated last summer, before she turned one. Since then, he's been in her life, averaging three visits a week, most weeks. There was a couple of weeks when she didn't see him at all, due to his uh, extra-parental habits. Now she's closing in on two. Recently, he and I tried to reconvene and that lasted about three weeks. And since then, she hasn't seen him once. So my question is threefold:

1) She hasn't asked for him. At all. Should I make an effort to not bring him up unless she does?
2) Today, when playing with a friend's dad, she started calling him daddy. Do I ignore this, correct her on the name and leave the word daddy out of the equation, or what?
3) If she does wake up one day soon and goes, 'where's daddy?,' how would you suggest I handle it?

Yes, longest question ever. Yes, edit away. Yes, laugh at me separately but not together unless I'm in on the joke, please. :P (Sister, this may be my favorite question to date. No one's laughing, yo.)

I just...don't wanna be that parent who tries to minimize her father out of her life any more than is necessary, and I don't want to shit talk him, and she's obviously too young to understand logic like, "Daddy had a problem and needed some time alone."

So, I'm confounded. And would appreciate Jim's 'dad' POV and Shannon's 'BTDT' POV.

Mr Lady:

ZoeyJane. I think this is a question a hell of a lot of people are too afraid to ask. Let me preface my answer by saying that my kids have known their fair share of time sans Dad. I know exactly what you're talking about. Also, I want to add, for the other readers, is that there is a very important reason she hasn't seen him once. Like, a "For Her Protection" issue. Which I have witnessed.

1. No. Do NOT bring him up right now. You are doing something VERY hard and VERY brave (trust me, guys, she really is) and you need to take this opportunity when she's not pressing you for him to sort YOURSELF out. If you feel guilty, like I did, put a picture of him in a frame in her room. For now, right now, that's enough.

2. My little sister had surgery when she was a baby, lost oxygen 3 times during the surgery, and has been mentally delayed since. My parents separated when she was 10 months old, and for about 5 years, she called every man she saw Dad. We assumed it was the delay talking, coupled with an almost totally absent father.

When I had kid one, he called every guy dad. I totally freaked. I thought he didn't see his dad enough. I thought we were terrible parents. Kid two came, and then dad and I split up. So, when he did it, too, I just knew that I wasn't providing him with enough Dad Time or a strong enough Father figure. I forced interaction and faked a relationship with him to overcompensate for that, because I am a control freak, of couse, and it didn't help. And it made me nuts. And then kid three came along, a she called every guy Dad, too. And then her father and I split up, AGAIN, and it just got worse. A year later when we got back together, and when she called him Dad, I noticed something...the tone of his Dad was different. Ever so slightly, just something a mother would notice. She WAS differentiating, at right about your kiddo's age now.

And then, one day a few weeks ago, I babysat a little girl named Isobel. And she called my husband Daddy Josh the whole two days I had her. Why? Because every kid in the room called him dad, so she assumed it was his name. I, however, called him Josh, so she assumed THAT was his name, too. Clever girl...Daddy Josh.

Kids know three constants, Mom, Dad and Dora. Any spanish speaking person is Dora, every girl is Mom (remember how Isobel calls me ZoeyJane? Because I am A Mom, not Her Mom.) And every guy is called Dad. It's a title. Every priest is called Father, you know? Every guy in a chef hat is called Chef. It's nothing but her trying to find a label for things. It's one part of a cognitive leap. In a few months, when she's *this* much older, she'll get that Dad means HERS and not everyone's.

3. She will, but that day is a long time off. It took my kids, oh 6 years to ask that question. When she does, you say this, "Daddy is X. (wherever he is) Want to talk to him?" And then you call him, and he talks to her, and he maybe meets her at the beach for a visit, and she knows that both her parents are still around when she needs them and that no one is forcibly keeping one from her. When Josh and I were split, he had scheduled phone dates with them during the week. Consistency, you know? Dad couldn't be there, but he WAS there, and they knew when and they planned on it. And it gave them a lot of security knowing that he was always a phone call away.

BusyDad:

Excuse me while I trip and fall completely out of my comfort range *THUMP*. I have no experience in this arena at all, so take this one purely as an educated guess based on what I know about kids in general.

One thing I think a lot of adults forget is that children do not come from the factory with pre-installed knowledge, expectations or norms. Their knowledge? That box with colorful shows on it rules and deserves their attention. Their expectations? When they hit their bowl of oatmeal, it will go flying and it will be damn funny. Their norms? What’s right in front of their field of vision everyday. Our job as parents is to slowly customize our kids by adding new functions, features and bling as their capacity for that stuff grows.

Based on the above assumptions, I will now attempt to answer your questions.

1. Do what you feel is proper based on your own comfort level. Don’t make any particular effort to not talk about him, and don’t make special effort to talk about him either. As I mentioned in an earlier answer, I am all about making potentially uncomfortable issues as matter-of-fact as possible. I have a friend who is separated from her husband and their struggles have been pretty nasty. However, she talks openly about him in a neutral, matter-of-fact way with her kids. His pictures with the kids are all over the house as well. Most importantly, he is not a taboo subject around the house. The kids and their mom are comfortable with the situation.
2. That’s totally normal. I have been called daddy by many a child – in front of their own parents. It may freak you out if you approach it from an adult perspective, where the label of dad implies being the authority, role model, nurturing figure, whatever. But remember, for a kid (as Mr Lady said), “daddy” most likely means “an adult male who is fun.” No wonder why all kids I meet call me daddy. Come to think of it, so do--(JUST KIDDING. Couldn’t resist).
3. It really depends on how old she is when she wakes up and asks that question. If she does it now, you can simply say he “lives in a different house.” Remember, she has no norms, no preconceived notions. She’ll take it as a simple fact and move on. Let’s say she asks you this when she’s 4 or 5. She may understand that two people don’t always get along and need time outs from each other. She’ll get it, because she’ll be able to relate on that level, simply from her interactions in school.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind with all this is that kids that young do not ask loaded questions. Sometimes they simply want the literal answer. Their cognitive abilities are not developed enough to process complex implications, much less make them. I say be literal in everything you talk about regarding her dad. That’s really all she needs right now. When she’s 13, then you can get all philosophical about it. For now, rest easy.