Matt @ RedSparks writes:

Be honest.  If you were forced to make a gross generalization, who's blogs are funnier, mommies' or daddies'?

Clearly, Matt hates us and doesn't want us to succeed.  What the hell kind of question is this, Matt?  Um, bait much?

I kid, I kid.

Screw it, I'm busting out a calculator for this one.  Let's use Cre8Buzz as our control.  Cre8Buzz has 625 Mom Bloggers signed up.  They have 91 Dad Bloggers.  So, 6.86% of CreBuzz's parents bloggers are men.  Assuming that every one of those bloggers will post 3X a week, 147 of the 2,022 ensuing posts will come from men. 

Now, mommy blogs tend to be way more, how shall we say this, about the bodily fluids than the guys?  Yeah, that'll do.  And bodily fluids are fucking hilarious.  But, and this is a big but, I find that for every three post a mom is going to put up, at least ONE of them is going to be serious.  However, unless you're Jeremy or BackPackingDad, a dad blog is going to tend to be more light-hearted more frequently.  Like, say, NukeDad.  I have read every single stinking post he's every written (he looks like my ex-boyfriend, shut up) and I think there's maybe 3 serious posts in there of the 100 he's written.  So, though maybe, MAYBE, the moms are funnier when they're funny, I find the dads to be more consistently funny, which should count for something.

So, here's the breakdown:

Moms: 1875 PPW (posts per week) @ a rate of 2 funny posts out of every 3 = 66% GPP (giggleability per post)

Dads:  147 PPW @ a rate of 2.97 funny posts out of every 3 = 99.97% GPP.

The dads have it.

Plus, watching some dad squirm on Twitter when we're all "Dude, I am so going to make out with EVERY GIRL in here" is pure comic gold.

BusyDad:

Moms are funnier. Case in point? See above. I can't even resort to using the lowest common denominator "Asian dude busting out the math" to get a laugh on this one. I'm left with nothing. Moms are quicker, sharper and wittier.

You know  why it seems like dads are funnier? Because there are so few of us. In my experience, it almost seems as if 'dad blog' is merely another category within this thing we call mom blogs. I mean, hell, no one can look at all those pictures of me and my mom blog friends partying it up at Blogher and tell me I wasn't just 'one of the girls' that night (after I cropped out the hands grabbing my bum, of course).

Because our numbers are so few, I can say this: we have more per capita funny. But in absolute numbers, the moms have us beat. And honestly, in quality of funny, they have us beat as well. You think I became such good friends with Mr Lady just because she looks so good in a cardigan? The girl is FU-NNY. Rather than ramble on like an idiot drinking Jack Daniels at 11:41 pm on a Friday night futilely grasping for anything humorous or insightful to add to this post, I'm going to take the easy way out and give you a list as proof that mom bloggers are funnier than dad bloggers (NukeDad notwithstanding - did I use notwithstanding correctly?):

• Momo Fali's
• Missives From Suburbia
  
• Oh, The Joys
• Vintage Thirty
• The Bloggess
• Manager Mom
• Happy Meals and Happy Hour
• Fusemoms
  
• The Only Thing I Know
• Sarcastic Mom [I hate editing after the fact, but really, how could I forget Lotus!!]
• Anne Nahm (totally snuck in there by Mr Lady, because really?  Funniest. Human. Alive)
  

And I am kidding about the bum thing, wife. I really don't remember a thing.

Michael writes:

In review - our kids are 10, 10, and 8. In 2 months they'll be 11, 11, and 9. My wife and I disagree (yes, most of my questions will probably start out this way, get used to it!) regarding whether to get cell phones for our kids. Here's how the argument roughly breaks down:

Pro's:

• safety - makes it easy to track the kids down as they wander around the neighborhood
• socialization - all the "cool" kids have 'em; texting might help kids overcome social anxiety. (?)
• PDA features - reminding them when they need to come home, when school assignments are coming due, etc.

Con's:

• cyber-bullying - apparently a huge problem, esp. in this age group?
• health concerns - EMF technology has been linked to brain tumors, etc. (just google "cell phones health effects on children". Wanna see something really scary? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkeMLOIAEKU

It was all I could do to convince her to allow wireless ethernet into the house.

So this probably falls (again, sigh) into the category of "if one of you is dead set against it, just don't do it". My kids are totally BEGGING for cell phones though, and I really feel like the pros outweigh the cons here.

So I just thought I'd run it by you guys. Your take, please. Thanks!

BusyDad:
I have a recurring dream where I realize that Hunter, my pet beagle from childhood, is still tied to a tree out back and I have forgotten to feed him for the past 25 years. Right now I am bringing Stark Raving Dads a fresh bowl of water and guilt-riddenly apologizing for my negligent blog-rearing skills. You can learn a lot about people through blogging. I’ve learned today that Mr Lady and I should never adopt a pet.

Michael, I like this question. We’re a couple years away from the cell phone issue ourselves, so allow me to think out loud here.

Back in ‘95, my sister told me she got an email account. I called her a geek. I then proceeded to call up the object of my affection to tell her to stand by the office fax machine to receive my daily “I miss you. Please move out to California” love memo. Discreet communication fail. Email wins.

Just a few short years ago, I was ok with the fact that I had to pay top dollar and be happy with the meager selection of whiskeys at my local supermarket. Today, I’m petitioning the government to amend that famous piece of paper to say “life, liberty and the peruse of BevMo.”

Breakthroughs happen. Life evolves. Just because we didn’t need something in the past doesn’t mean they cannot greatly enhance our lives now. Cell phones are no different. I have gone from “they are only for doctors and stockbrokers” to “only for rappers” to “if I forget my cell halfway to Vegas, sorry but those strippers will have to wait.” No one is going to tell you that a cell phone is not a necessary evil in today’s world.

But a lot of people will tell you that a cell phone is not necessary for kids. I personally don’t think a cell phone is essential, but I do think the pros outweigh the cons if the opportunity arises. Anything that can theoretically put me in direct contact with my kid (and vice versa) at all times is a plus in my book. And to be honest, the cons are weak. Cyber-bullying is more of an internet thing. Having someone make up a fake MySpace page for you is a lot worse than getting a text that says “UR suk.” And let’s face it, everything gives you cancer. If you need a male rational justification, here it is: the odds of your kid calling you with the cell phone because he/she missed their ride and it’s getting dark out are much greater than that same kid duct taping the phone to their ear for the requisite 22.5 hrs/day for 234 days that it takes for lab rats (being fed a steady diet of Sweet ‘n Low) to develop a brain tumor.

I would like you all to know, first off, that it's been so long since we've done this that SquareSpace has managed to completely change their editor without us knowing, and it has taken my 1500 hours to figure out how to post this.  We're being punished, too.  Just sayin'.  Also, BusyDad and I were just the tiniest bit busy over the past few weeks; we both had to pull Single Parent stints so our super fly spouses could go work out of town, and we also had to go get snot-slinging drunk together broaden our minds and enhance our blogging skilz in San Francisco at BlogHer.  Which works well for you all, since we now know each other in real life, and have plenty of crap to rag on each other about.

<ramble>

Michael, I am replying in two parts.  First, I am going to tell you a little story.

My sons are 8 and 10.  They have been sorely neglected by their cheap ass parents for years, as their cries for cell phones have gone unanswered, nigh, unacknowledged.  We explained rotary dial phones, we explained life without tv, or cable, we discusses Michael Jackson and we even tried to explain COLECO-VISION to them (oh, how we suffered).  And then one day, my husband realized that he wanted a new phone, that he couldn't LIVE without a phone that had a QWERTY pad and wireless internet.  We set out to get him one.

I mentioned we're cheap, right?  We're cheap.  There was no way we were paying more than our month's grocery budget for a stinking detachable penis phone.  We opted for the totally brilliant plan of Getting Him a Whole New Cell Phone Account.  Which left us with one shiny, perfectly functional RazR and one shiny, perfectly overpriced 3 year contract on that phone.

We gave it to our boys.  They declared us The Best Parents Ever and were very well behaved for 27 minutes and 4 seconds.

Am I glad they have a phone?  Hell yes, I am.  My kids go outside in the morning and come inside for dinner.  They walk themselves to and from school.  They go to the corner store on their skateboards.  I sit here eating Bon Bons and worrying myself sick. 

Do I actually ever let them use said phone?  Hell no, I don't.  ONE of their friends has the number (and he's 29).  We turn it off in the morning, and they turn it on after school.  They have been threatened with every Pokemon card they hold dear to nevereverever send a text message on the thing.  So, what do they use it for?  They call me when they're on their way home from wherever, they answer it when I call freaking the hell out because they're 22 minutes late, and they are both professional Frogger player.

So, part two of my answer is this:

• Yes, it's excellent for tracking.  It's even better for my own piece of mind, which has been well-established as shaky on the very best of days.  I think that when my son starts grade 5 in a few weeks, it could come in very handy as an organizer, though I'd have to let him actually turn the thing on during the school day for that, and I'm pretty sure his teacher would hang my on the flagpole by my giant panties if I did.  In fact, I think most elementary schools have a strict No Cell Policy.  As for socialization, um, screw that.  I have not subjected these kids to hour after hour of The Family Guy and Monty Python and The Simpsons to have them relying on technology for coolness.  But that's just me.
• Bullying is bullying.  It's unavoidable.  Just don't tell your kids their own phone number, and they'll never be able to give it out.  I make any phone calls come through my landline, anyway, because I CENSOR.  As for the health risks, well, see Jim's reply.  I whole-heartedly agree.  The con you did overlook is cost.  Cell phones, especially with texting, get freaking expensive.  My nephew's first cell bill was FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  I don't care how many times he scoops poop, he's never going to earn that much money.  I have one phone for two kids, and I pay something close to $40 a month for basic (Canadian) service.  If each kid wants their own, they'd better get really cozy with the word CHORES.

If you feel really strongly about it, I'd encourage you to do what we do...get one, get it basic, and see how you feel.

</ramble>

Today, we have having a little Testosterone party here at Stark Raving Dads! Matt, who writes at RedSparks blog and also has a line of premie clothes that are TO DIE FOR offered us his soul his mad bloggin' skilz for a day. How could we refuse? And so, boys, take it away....

Ashley writes:

If you could name just ONE thing that a wife/mother should take the time (what's that) to take care of (having to do with) their own personal appearance, what would it be? Yes, you each have to choose just ONE.

Would it be for them to put makeup on, workout, wax their eyebrows, shave their legs, get dressed up, fix their hair, or something else? And, explain...

 Matt:

Ashley, this is a great question. I'm going to take the easy route. I'm not really a butt man or a boob man (well, OK, I sort of am). I am a self-confidence man. Nothing is sexier to me than a woman who exudes an air of confidence. So, basically, I think its important for a woman to do the thing that makes her feel better about herself. It is SO easy to put that stuff on the back burner after having children. Its too expensive, or there's just not enough time. But moms really need to focus on those things, make time and do them. Whether its nails, hair, tanning...whatever. Men can tell when their wives aren't feeling great about themselves and, in my opinion, it can be a turnoff sometimes.

That being said, and to get back to actually answering your question, for me its wardrobe. Moms work hard...real hard. And they deal with spit up and poop and snot and God knows what else. For that reason I think it becomes really easy for them to slip into the sweatpants/T-shirt rut. This bugs me. You know how some guys' eyes sometimes wander at a restaurant or at the mall, right? Well, an easy way to avoid that is to put the cozys back in the drawer for special occasions and go hit the mall. I'm not talking about spending a fortune, either. Just go ballistic at Target once in a while. Buy a pink ruffle bottom tank and some sunglasses. Pick up a green ribbed wife beater and a pair of beige cargo shorts. Or how about a new nice cerulean blue keyhole top and a nice comfy pair mid-rise twill pants? The key is to buy enough stuff on the cheap that so you don't care if a particular item gets ruined. That way, wives look great to their husbands, and feel better about themselves in the process.

BusyDad: 

Wow, Matt. There's a reason why you are running an apparel business and I am not. Cerulean blue? I can't even front. I am clueless about clothing. So my answer will be completely different.  If I could choose just one thing, it would be working out. Hands down. I am a total "A for Effort" kind of guy. If someone puts the effort in to do something, it means a ton more to me than anything else could. Because effort is hard. Effort takes perseverence. Effort takes giving a shit. And to me, nothing is hotter than giving a shit.

You can easily plunk down a credit card and get a haircut, get waxed and get some new clothes. It's not painful. It's actually kind of fun. But to trudge to the gym between picking up the kids, preparing dinner and getting them to bed in one piece is something that requires dedication. To sweat it out and endure a little pain when you could be decompressing in front of the TV requires willpower and committment.  It shows that you aren't going to give up just because you have a perfect excuse to do so. It shows that you aren't happy simply resting on your laurels.

Sure, most moms don't have their pre-pregnancy bodies. But that's irrelevant. I think I speak for most husbands when I say that the mere fact that you care enough about yourself and how you look to try to get it back speaks volumes. Kind of like the guy who spends all day trying to figure out how to roast a chicken for his date. It may taste like rosemary-infused cardboard, but he gets all the "awwww" points when his girlfriend retells the story. Effort is appreciated and it goes a long way. So go forth and cardiobox! We'll stay home and burn the chicken.

Jason writes:

Due to a extended transition period, which involved moving from one state to another and having to stay with family while our home was being constructed, our two-year-old son ended up sleeping in the same bed with us for a number of months. We've been able to transition him from our bed to his own, but now we're struggling with trying to get him to fall asleep alone. Right now I have to lay with him or sit on the edge of his bed, sometimes for an hour or more, until he falls asleep. If we're not there he gets out of bed constantly and screams his head off. It's tough. What advice do you have in helping us break him of his need for company when falling asleep?

Mr Lady:

Dude, earplugs.  That's the best I've got.  Honestly, I don't think there's any one clear answer, but what I can tell you is that unless you're dedicated to co-sleeping, you have to break this cycle right now.  Every day you wait makes it harder.  My oldest pulled this on me when his brother was born.  The middle child gave me some reprieve, but the toddler hit me hard with it, too.  The toddler's problem was also in transitions.  We moved countries 3 times in two years.  She freaked out.  I did, too.

What works...hmmm.  No one thing works for anyone.  With my oldest, I had to reason with him.  After about 6 months of screaming matches (I actually had to lock myself out of the house one night and call my husband to come home from work because I was so frustrated, I thought I might hurt the kid.  Being tired makes you nuts) I figured out something that worked.  It went like this, "Dude, all your cups are dirty."  "Me no juice?"  "No, buddy, you no juice until momma washes the dishes.  She can't do that until you go to sleep.  Can you go to sleep so I can wash your cups for you?"  "Okay, momma.  ZZZZzzzz."

Man's heart, stomach, all that.  The toddler was a different story.  She flat out refused to sleep unless she was on top of me for close to a year.  That was, hands down, the worst year of my life.  We took her out and let her pick her own big girl blankets and bedtime babies at the store for her bed, and then we came up with the most insanely OCD night time routine you've ever seen; X amount of hairbrushes, an exact set of words spoken followed by one exact song, and one only, etc.  I would do all of those things and then just let her cry.  She eventually figured out those things meant Bed.  One night, we figured out she had a cue for us.  When she says, "See ya, momma" she doesn't cry when I leave.  So all I have to do is get her to say "See ya, momma."  Sometimes it takes 5 minutes, sometimes it takes 20.  But it works EVERY TIME, even with a babysitter.

Do I think that was helpful information?  Hell no.  Do I totally pity you right now?  You know I do.  This is one of those things where you've got to figure out what's going to work, and it's just plain trial and error.  Good luck, and please let us know what eventually works. 

BusyDad:

Ugh. I feel for you too. Having a kid kicking and screaming at bedtime is like spraining your ankle 10 yards from the finish line. You were so close.

I have a word that will help you in this, as well as many other parenting adventures: ramp. I also have a phrase that will help: sacrifice fly. 

Observe:

Ramp: kids don't like sudden changes. They will fight them with every ounce of their being. And even at 2, that's a lot of ounces. To change their behavior you need to ramp up towards the final outcome. In this case, tell him to rest or play in his bed for a sec and you'll be back in 2 minutes. Do this a few times (maybe even 20 times the first night - hey, no one said this was easy!), then extend it to 4 minutes the next time (be it the next day or the next week, depending on your child's reaction). In a short time, you could be up to 15 or 20 minute intervals. In my experience, after they can wait about 15 minutes, you're just around the corner from success. This alone may work, but it seems to me that this kid's pretty hardcore. Here's where the sacrifice fly comes in.

Sacrifice Fly: folks reading this may know this as a baseball term. This is where you hit the ball knowing that it will be caught for the out, but in the time it takes to make that play, the runner on base is given ample time to tag up and run home to score. In other words, accepting one bad thing (the out) in return for one good thing (scoring the run). I apply this ALL THE TIME. The sacrifice fly has done wonders for Fury's willingness to eat vegetables. I have no problem letting Fury indulge in candy or cookies -- as long as he also puts something good into his body to get there. To me, the benefit of eating 4 stalks of steamed broccoli (scoring the run) far outweighs the harm of ingesting 2 Oreos (the out).  Applying this to getting Fury to sleep in his bed meant that we let him load his bed up with toys (not usually a good thing) at night. While this did not contribute to making him sleep, it DID make him comfortable in his bed. He actually looked forward to it. Once he was comfortable with his bed, we gradually put restrictions on the toys (ramping down). First it was "you can only pick 5," then that eventually became "you can only have stuffed toys." Granted this occurred over months, but it worked. Totally. Worked.

If you do decide to go with my advice, please let me know how it goes. I'm just curious to know if my advice actually works for others...